I haven’t been running the way I used to or working out as much as I used to or watching what I eat as much as I used to because that shit is fucking exhausting guys! I went from hating the way I look, to having an eating disorder (bulimia nervosa), to being pregnant (and gaining about 20kgs), to losing about 30kgs (post-lion-birth), to gaining some back, to becoming a fitness freak to just obsessing over everything I eat and now I am just done, tired, finished, klaar!
With the help of my therapist I’ve managed to let go of some of my weight-anxiety (Jesus, what am I NOT anxious about?) and as such, I’ve had to go easy on my body and for a while I had worried about how much weight I’ve gained. Lately I’ve been enjoying the break from all the work outs and the guilt trips about not eating to starve myself. Instead of waking up at 5:30 am EVERY morning, I allow myself to just lie awake and enjoy the warmth and comfort of my bed and blankets while my son snores in the other room and I only go running when I truly feel like it.
Anyways, I was surprised yesterday when I went to the doctor and he weighed me and guess what? Nothing changed! The weight I lost was weight-anxiety! Yipee! I feel a little free, a little lighter, maybe not physically but mentally now. I’m learning to love myself and also, my baby sister, Beyoncé (not the lemonade-B-hive-Beyoncé, my parents are just ambitious like that!) took some really sexy pictures of me over the weekend and I was happily surprised to see them!
Guys!!! I look hot. Like: my skin looks so smooth and creamy and my thighs look hella juicy, my hair looks healthy and I’m not as big in real life as I am in my mind! For now, I can only see this not-so-big version of myself in the pictures but I am hoping someday soon that I will see her here too, just as she is and also while I’m on the path toward beholding this sexy goddess that I think I am, I hope I can learn to love my belly flab, my not-so-perky breasts (result of breastfeeding the hungriest lion cub) and of course, my beloved calloused feet.